My Poetry

Facade
oct 3 99

Why did I ever think
even for a moment
that somehow
they were superior to me?
The illusion of perfection.
Suddenly, like lightening,
I see through the facades.
I hate myself
for ever wanting
to be one of them.

Sometimes

sometimes i wonder
how much you really care
sometimes i reach for your hand
and you're not even there
sometimes i cry myself to sleep
wishing i could show
all the pain deep inside
that I'm afraid to let you know
sometimes when you're near me
you seem so far away
sometimes i ache to tell you
what i dont know how to say
sometimes i feel like
i can't stand this anymore
sometimes i want to take my things
and walk right out the door
sometimes i sit alone in the dark
longing for your touch
sometimes you dont even know
that I'm missing you so much

Regret

Praying for something
then wishing it had never come to pass
finding true love
but then it never lasts
waking every morning
feeling nothing but pain
looking into your eyes
knowing nothing but shame
going on with this life
knowing its all wrong
keeping my head high
though i know not for how long

Whisper Your Love

Darkness is fleeing
the light shines in
I feel the caresses
of a gentle wind
no longer standing
on the edge of despair
I don't even have
to open my eyes
to know you're standing there

Whisper your love
kiss away my tears
whisper your love
kiss away my fears
whisper your love
I can't get enough
whisper your love...
whisper your love

no longer walking
this journey alone
I know that your heart
is my eternal home
I no longer worry
'bout what tomorrow brings
'cause you're the joy in my smile
the reason why I sing...

Hold You
sept 19 2001
I see a glimmer of silver,
peeking from the clouds
as I'm learning how to whisper
what i should have shouted loud
I lay against your shoulder
you gently touch my hair
to think there was a time
where you weren't even there.
I cling to you in fear
that you'll be torn away
I don't want to face tomorrow,
so I'm living for today.
I like to think we're special
and will never be apart.
I'll never let you go my love
I'll hold you in my heart.

Don't
sept 20, 2001

If you say "I love you"
you'll only make me cry.
If you hold me close to you,
I'll only want to die.
I know how much you care for me,
you tell me everyday.
But if you come any closer,
I'll push you far away.
So don't put your arms around me,
don't even reach for my hand.
I know I cannot love you,
and you cannot understand.

Innocent
sept 20 2001

Twinkle twinkle little star,
let it tell you what you are.
Pray alone to God above,
Dream all night of heavenly love.
Charming prince on shining horse,
Will come someday you think of course.
Too soon disillusioned,
oh innoncent one,
Tears running rivers,
as your world comes undone.
forever scarred by the things you see,
Sweet and innocent you never again be.

Hold on
Oct. 2001

Hold on to love
for love is all that matters
when your world falls apart
and everything shatters
Don't let the winds of this world
tear you apart
hold on to your dreams
lock them safe in your heart
The cold, cruel and heartless
will try to take it all away
but love will still be standing
at the end of the day

I Know
nov. 2001
I know you feel alone
I know you feel scared
I know you feel rejected
that no one even cares
I know you feel that God's far away
and He will never hear your prayers
but I know, deep within my soul,
that He is really there
so don't run, don't hide,
don't turn away from Him,
you can be forgiven the things of the past
you can begin again.

TwIsTeD

i press my hands over my ears
to shut out the sounds
i shut my eyes
to block out the sights
they wont leave
so i run
i hit a wall...i turn...
walls...everywhere
where are you?
why arent you here?
i run thru black mists
searching, searching...
i see a light
'tis only in my mind
the brink of insanity
so close yet so far
i feel nothing
but cold in my soul
i must feel...why cant i feel?!
the tears...the salt taste
running, i think i must die
i feel a touch i turn around
you are there...i cant see you
but i can feel you
breath and touch....
so warm, so close...hold me close
whisper your love
over and over... never leave me
i need you like i need air...
my love, my life.....

Like A Day

Like a day without sunlight
like a spring without rain
like a story with no ending
like a birth with no pain
like a song with no melody
like eyes with no sight
like a neverending winter
like an eternal night
like the sky without color
like a world without wind
like knowledge with no wisdom
like a river without a bend
like a bird with no song
like a morning without dew
like a heart with no love
thats me without you

Carpe Noctem

My Poetry

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Poetry...
an outlet to express the feelings of pain, of rejection, or love, feeling someone else's sorrow, or simply being creative. It's my way to stay sane:). sometimes I'm suprised and pleased at what comes from my mind, sometimes disappointed...but I rarely change the original work...
so I hope you enjoy, and don't try to figure out the words too much, I don't even know the true meanings of some of them:)

EYES
may '99

i looked into your eyes today,
your eyes met mine.
you seemed a million miles away
you talked to me
in your friendly way
my eyes sought yours you looked away
through your eyes
what would i see
if i were you looking at me?

WHY?
april 21, 1999

Why do things never work out as planned?
Why do opportunities slip through my fingers like sand?
Why do I fear the night, yet am afraid to face the day?
Why are there always obstacles standing in my way?
Why am I afraid of change, yet long for something new?
Why do I want to do something, when there's nothing I can do?

Chains
sept '99

Gone are the days
of clinging to what was so fake.
I held so firmly
to the chains that bound me.
my Friend did not
pry my fingers free,
but gently beckoned,
I took a step to Him,
the chains fell away.

Swiftly
april 21, 1999

A promise made to be broken,
a love never meant to last.
An emotion too swiftly ended,
a feeling too quickly passed.
A brief moment of happiness,
a memory that we made.
A memory, that like our devotion,
too soon began to fade.

All my life
sept 2000

all my life, searching for the One
who I could love
who was made for me alone.
writing, dreaming,
hoping, praying.
Sometimes one would cross my path,
then as i reached,
would slip nimbly from my grasp.
writing, doubting,
crying, praying.
Then taken by complete suprise
here is this One
right before my eyes...
writing, thanking,
loving, praying.

Let Me Fall

i turn and sigh
writhing inside
i want to wake from this dream
but it's not, so it seems
free me, let me go
leave me in the cold
it's better than here
where i always fear
push me away
don't let me stay
i won't leave, you know
'til you force me to go
it would be better for us all
if you just let me fall

PLACE
september 28, 1999

11:20 pm in this place.
a place i never wanted to be.
but i never wanted to be "there" either.
wherever i am, i want to be where i was before.
my time in this cold and lonely room will be short.
my time "there" is, well, from when i return, until......

*note* i wrote this in 1999, but i realize,
its often my train of thought even now...

WHAT WOULD I HAVE DONE?
April 18, 1999

Would I have stood by my Lord 'til the end,
or cursed him in denial?
Would I have prayed with him in the garden,
or given the kiss of betrayal?
Would I have defended him,
when I knew that he must die?
Or would I have joined the crowd,
as they cried "crucify!"?
Would I have carried his cross
when he stumbled, and when he fell?
Or would I have carried the whip, the thorns,
and the hammer to drive the nail?
If I had been one of the thieves,
which one would I have been?
With Jesus in Paradise,
or dying in my sin?
I wonder if when I fail him,
does he feel the pain again?
Do I crucify my Saviour
each day with my sin?
When it is my time to die,
what will he say to me?
Will I hear "enter in",
or will I hear "depart from me"?

THE JOURNEY
sept '99

I fell,
my face pressed against the earth.
I heard,
a gentle voice calling me
I lifted,
my eyes and rose to my knees
I tried
to speak...my soul cried out for help
He understood.
I wept
"if only i could have gone a few steps more"
i was
so close
He came
to me and lifted me
I saw
the Gate. He smiled and wiped my tears.
He said
"well done"

Cold
sept '99

they are slowly
closing in
thier frigid arrows
pierce my skin
thier icy stares
chill my soul
freeze my heart
leaves me cold
then suddenly i feel
a warm embrace
of love and peace
of truth and grace

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU
?? 1999 ??

Words fall from your lips,
whispering sweet nothings,
i dont believe you.
you said this, to her and her and her.
you promised them this.
i dont believe you
now you say that
you will never get over me
i dont believe you

The Fury 5/5/99

The clouds form in the blue sky
darkening, gathering strength as they form.
The earth waits.
The air is charged with electricity...
expectation.
A distant thunder...a breeze...a raindrop...
then more.
Lightening flashes, crashing...
rain swirls down.
the wind blows forcefully.
Batters all in its way.
The fury....frighteningly beautiful.
It subsides...
leaving reminders...
like the enchanting fragrance
after the rain.

YES
sept 29 1999

She knew what she believed was true.
She knew that the one she loved
would never let her down.
Her faith wasn't blind.
She saw its power.
She gave her soul.
She gave her life.
She said yes.

Belong
sept '99

Hypocritical lies.
why couldn't I see.
that i didnt belong??
fragile and trusting
loving fiercely
in spite of the evidence.
i saw this through stained glass
it sparkled so brilliantly.
Hypocritical lies.
I now see.
And i know I dont belong.
I dont want to belong,
to....this.

march 14, 2001
*UNTITLED*
I close my eyes
I try to think
of my future plans
what I might do
what I might be
with my mind and hands
I struggle so hard
to see past tomorrow
somehow i feel alone
drowning in my sorrow
all the things I was proud of
don't matter anymore
I'm afraid to open a window
so I beat upon the door
I want to crawl into a tiny space
big enough for only me
until I gather the courage
to set my own self free.
I'm nearly ashamed to ask of God
I've prayed this too many times
I neglected what He gave me
so now I'll be alone in this climb

I Saw You
august '99

I saw your pain
that you didnt want to show
I saw you searching
for something to fill your soul
I saw your loneliness
you tried to hide it all
I saw your sorrow
I saw the tears fall
I heard you crying out
for someone to care
I saw you reaching out
but no one was there
I should have held you
I should have wiped your tears away
if I had shown you love
would you still be here today?

Now And Then
march 15, 2001

Looking out the window,
my face pressed against the glass,
sifting silently through
all the memories of my past.
What would I have done differently,
if I could do it all again...
I shake my head and wonder,
why I did those things back then.
So now I lay down my pen
and look into your eyes,
and thank God for this love
that was written in the skies.
I know there is a reason
for each thing that we do,
and when I try to see the future,
all I can see is you.

Bittersweet
october 5 1999

Tears fill my eyes.
Sorrow fills my soul.
But somehow
it doesn't hurt like before.
Was it that I was
prepared this time?
Or maybe I am finally free.
I push the anger and
bitterness away.
The needful feeling is gone.
It is bittersweet.
Grieving for what never was.

I'm Here
october 2 1999

Take off your mask.
Don't play games with me.
I'm here
let me inside.
Do you know how much I care.
I'm here
I see through your masquerade.
For you.
I'm here

....................
winter of 2000

i am free to love
yet cannot enjoy it
i can speak
but i am never heard
i can walk
but never run
i can scream
but no sound comes
i can write
but it is not read
i can sing
but there is no music
i can hide
but i am always found
i am found
yet always lost
i hear the rhythm
yet cannot dance
i live
yet i do not

I Long
march 15 2001

I long
for the gentleness of your touch
I long
to feel your arms around me
I long
for the whispers of your love
I long
to taste your kiss so sweet
I long

for you

Like a Dove

Your came to me
gentle like a dove
warm and caring
you showed me love
I reached out desparately
for someone to care
I stumbled in the darkness
you caught me, you were there
But you wanted to be closer
than I needed you to be
so I ran for cover
I pushed you away from me
Then I felt your love
I thought it was forever
we would be here
always together
but now I realize
this love that I feel
though it is true
and though it it is real
is love for a friend
no closer no more
i love you and I am sorry
that I didnt tell you before.

Fly,Fly.

Fly. Fly away from this place.
the misery of my disgrace....
I must try to escape the fear.
I must, lest I drown in tears.
Fly.Fly, I must begin to flee.
In this place I cannot, be me.
sleep of my soul, slumber of my heart
the chains and fences tear me apart.
Fly. Fly..always the dream.
Never to be realized, sometimes it seems.
Hold to the flight of the one I love.
To the place beyond, the sky above.
Fly. Fly, shut away the doubt.
let the world below rage and shout.
Hold me my love, wind in my face.
I'll close my eyes and trust
lead me from this place.

Deserve
March 11, 2001

I feel darkness
building inside
a gulf of pain
as deep as it is wide
The love I am given
is more than enough
I don't deserve it
yet I cannot give it up
every gentle embrace
brings tears to my eyes
then I stumble again
and a part of me dies